I'm a loser. A useless loser. Not good enough to be alive in this world. Everyone is tired of me, irritated the shit out of me. They're ready to cast me aside any second of the day. It's just their humane qualities that's stopping them from doing so. They're too good for someone like me. They deserve a better friend/son/brother. Or, perhaps they love me? No, what have I done to even deserve their love? Oh, I have crushed my parents' expectations, wasted their hard earned money. But mom says it's not wastage. That's bullshit, perhaps she doesn't have a better way to hide her disappointment concerning me ..
Being a patient of anxiety is a tough task. You have to fight yourself, your inner demons everyday to keep yourself alive, give yourself reasons everyday to not die. It's a constant battle between your brain, which is consistently churning out hundreds of new reasons for you to die, and your heart, that clings on to that one beautiful reason to give life a second chance. So today, I'll talk about how anxiety works, what it feels like to be living in this parallel world, and how anxiety affects my brain and my day to day working. And how, I give myself hundreds of second chances everyday just because my heart points to that one glimpse of light that's not far from the darkest end of the anxiety tunnel.
Wait, what are you doing? This is a nice way to become a joke among your friends and acquaintances! They won't understand what this feels like, and dismiss it as just another overthinking hullabaloo! And those who understand would know its better not to keep the company of a negative creep. And your parents? What if they read this and suddenly decide to ACTUALLY disown you! You're giving them all a chance!
(Forgive my thoughts, they might interrupt our discussion from time to time, it's hard to stop them.)
Anxiety takes you to a different world altogether. A world that is so dark, thousands of candles lit together cannot make it any bright. It's a world where two negatives, instead of making a positive, make a bigger negative. A world characterized by one villain, and many many heroes. Unlike your dreams, the villain here is not the world, its you. You are the only person who's destroying the peace of the world - just by breathing. People know it, and yet they are giving you a chance. A last chance to make you mend your ways. And yet, you are defying all their trust in you and being the asshole that they do not want you to be.
Trust? Yes. They trust me to be their worst enemy. They know all the downfall that's happening in their life is because of me - I'm their bad luck. Since the time I've met them, the only explanation to the sudden turn of events in their life to a downward trajectory is because of me. I am the black magic that they despise. Back off, stop talking with them before you bring their doomsday. Give them something to smile about! Do they not deserve this, after all the chances they've given you?
What others notice about you is you've suddenly lost a lot of weight. Your face looks like an old man's deprived of his teeth. The cheeks have sulken. Your eyes pop out, highlighted elegantly by the dark circles and the growing eye bags around them. You resemble a skeleton more than ever. Your lips have forgotten to curve into an upward path and amidst all the falling wrinkles, the only direction your lips know is the South. A sense of tremble and fear shrouds their cloud upon you. Worrying becomes a normal function of your brain, activated 24x7. Death feels like a natural recourse, since everyone and everything is trying to kill you. The voice box in your throat knows just two words because they're frequent - I'm fine!
Look up! That fan. I have a feeling it's going to fall on me tonight. Look at it, it's never shook so violently! Today is the day.
Oh wait, this window grill I'm sitting on! Oh my God! It's not welded properly! Shit, it's going to fall today. I'm going to fall with it. I'll fall on that footpath. And people will hate me for blocking the pavement and choosing that place to die. This metal in the grill, it's going to pierce me. Does it hurt much?
Oh God. This water geyser. I have a feeling, it's going to explode today, while I'm bathing. The hot water is going to burn me, alive. I'll have burns all over my body. Probably the bits and pieces of that exploding geyser will pierce my skin. I'll be a horror site for those that look at my body! I'm so horrible. Should I continue with my bath?
The nights are a haven of thinking, and some more thinking, and then some more. Your mind juggles from that result that should have been better but is not because you're a duffer, to the unusual silence of your friend today. You think about the new people you met that have already adjudged you to be the biggest dumbo they've ever met. You think about the confident way you could have tackled buying that small little candy, and you think about the number of times you've let everyone down, and already plan the future courses of action that will help you let them down again, and again. Overthinking is not a habit, it's a natural reflex your brain. As natural as the sleep, and as natural as blinking of your eyes. The worst part is I know. I know overthinking is not good. I know it won't make things any good. It'll worsen them to an extent I can't imagine. But nothing could stop me from tossing and turning in my bed.
Shit, I can't take this test! I'm gonna fail. I'm the biggest dumbfuck you can ever find! This is such an easy question, I could have aced it on any given day. But not today. Today, I'm a dunce, who knows nothing. What does accountancy even mean? I haven't heard of this term in my life! See! I told you, I shouldn't have taken that test only. I knew I was gonna fail.
Why is my friend so silent today? What's wrong with him? Oh shit, did he get angry because I put my cellphone in my pocket? Damn. I knew I shouldn't have done that. I knew it would offend him. Why do I keep doing this? I'm a useless person.
Oh shit that guy. Why is he looking at me like that. He knows I'm an asshole doesn't he? He seems to be a good guy since he knows he should be keeping distance from me.
Why is this shopkeeper looking at me like this? Is it actually written on my face that I'm a creep and his shop would force him to bankruptcy just because I am purchasing this candy from him? Shit, why am I doing this to him. I don't want any bad to happen to him. Should I ask him to not get that candy for me? He should not go bankrupt because of my sins and my ill fate!
Amid all this, you have a feeling you'll lose your loved ones. You wake up suddenly, in the middle of the night, to an unnaturally fast beating heart. You leave your bed, go to your parents' room. You stare at them for a second, just to make sure they're breathing. You come back, repeat the same with your siblings. Thank you God, you're kind. Everyone's safe. You inherently open your WhatsApp, check the 'last seen' of your friends. Why is their last seen 4 hours ago!! It's 3 AM and they're not up yet? I hope everything is fine. Should I call them to check? You are in constant fear when one of your loved ones is travelling or is out. WhatsApp's last seen feature is a boon for the anxious. There's no peace.
Not all is so gloomy however. I am not lonely. I have a few close friends by my side. And I know it's my right to irritate them, and make them wish I die. I talk with them, I laugh with them. Yes, that's the best therapy. I look fine. But am I fine? Umm, no. There's an endless battle going on inside. A battle that will probably only end with the death of one side. But is that not how battles are won?